when i think all logic and reasoning just flies out the fucking window

being nothing

plans for monday

- swim 1 hr

- workout 2 hours

- squash 1 hr

- go car shopping 2 hrs

- yoga 2 hrs

- go running 1 hr

- out for dinner

- sleep

plans for tuesday

- swim for an hour

- violin lessons 1 hr

- clothes shopping for 2 hrs

- squash lessons

- work out for 2 hrs

- massage 1 hr

- sushi

and repeat my week is rather marvelous, i could get used to this, fuck school.

times like these

its time like these that i realize i dont want something like this in my future, i simply  dont, i agree with my mom entirely and its saddening that she is actually right

i dont want something like this, i dislike it when someone is inconsiderate especially over something so sensitive.

im good at not giving a fuck for a lot of things….maybe this will become another one of those things…

whatevs bruuhhh, dudeee, hoomieee, geee, thats cool too

I cheated on my fears, broke up with my doubts, got engaged to my faith and now i’m marrying my dreams.

dreaming…

all these dreams are just not cool…what the fuck brain?

No, nooo never in a million years

Don’t let it happen again.

I hate exam time, im so unproductive =(

what I want?

I guess its safe to say that right not what I want, I dont have and what I want, I don’t really want right now.

What I want is someone to be there for me when I am happy, sad, angry and upset but at the same time I don’t want that right now because I don’t want a super serious relationship right now. I am certain of that.

I have so much to do with my life, being in a full committed relationship scares me so much, like you wouldn’t believe. Even the word comittment is terrifying by itself. I think that right now I am in the point of my life where I would much rather prefer going to jail than getting engaged…does that make me an awful person? Going to jail would mean a short sentence rather than being committed for life, and you wouldn’t have to risk getting emotionally hurt or worry about your emotional responsibility. It’s not like I can’t do committment, I definitely can. It’s just the idea of being committed to the wrong person is just as awful as the idea of divorce. What is the point of committing if the person is all wrong for you, what is the point of letting someone into your life and sharing your most intimate thoughts and feelings if they wont appreciate them and will eventually hurt you.

Maybe I am overprotective of my emotions and thoughts, but if you think about it, who else is going to protect you. At the end of the day you only have yourself to depend on and once again you only have yourself to blame when things go wrong.

What I want is someone to be there for me to share the big things and the small things in my life. But I dont think I’ll be able to do the same, I am uncertain about my maturity in a lot of situations. In addition I am uncertain about my selfishness as I can be very self-absorbed at times. And even though I want these things I know that I will react poorly when I get them, just because I am not used to the attention. I am used to being myself and floating from group to group when I need company, I’ve never had company available upon request, and I think that would be entirely unfair in a relationship.

I haven’t posted something significant in a while, and maybe thats why I started to care too much. I kept all my feelings bottled up and let them control me, which never happens. It’s much easier writing them down and analyzing myself. Maybe I am OCD in a way for doing that as I like to organize my feelings to the extent that I dont act irrationally, however I do know that this is life and you will encounted random situations in which your emotions will get the best of you, but until then I believe I should be able to control myself and train myself to act responsibly.

hmmm

that car ride was rather interesting, i’ve never had a guy serenade me three songs =)

kind of made my day at 3 in the morning

it really bothers me and it really makes me sad whatever.

Idiot

I am the biggest idiot of life for agreeeing to do this…need to lose 20 lbs in 2 weeks fuck my life…

i don’t get it, why would you go through all that trouble of finding me on skype and adding me if you weren’t going to really talk to me…dick move

for a minute there, I thought my browser history failed in clearing itself…